Courtesy Of The Peaky Blinders

So I’m pretty sure if you get instructions from the Peaky Blinders (debuting its sequel film today), you know exactly what you’re supposed to do, and you follow them like your life depends on it. But get instructions from a doctor or pharmacist or insurance company, you might tread carefully, even when they’re in ALL CAPS, since sometimes the message is as clear as my wife’s closet. Take mom’s instructions to eat certain yogurts for her osteoporosis, but different ones for her heart disease. She was confused, so was I - and for an ~80-year-old with dementia, the instructions feel like a word scramble. Take dad’s medication too. One bottle read "EVERY NIGHT BEFORE FOOD ONCE DAILY TO BE TAKEN FOUR TIMES A DAY THREE TIMES A DAY EVERY THREE TIMES DAILY TAKE ONE TAKE TWO TAKE THREE ONE OR TWO." I'm not a fan of commas, but dear lord these would have helped. This is a particularly cruel run-on sentence that makes literally no sense. Sounds more like my dance instructor's orders. We needed Tommy Shelby to tell it like it is. We had a good laugh but not as much as this one for Ventolin to treat an acute bout of bronchospasms -- INHALE 2 PUFFS BY MOUTH EVERY 4 HOURS RECTALLY....You can’t make this up. My bride got some admittedly great instructions recently from our health insurer - the flyer said to use one of the two listed GI doctors for her colonoscopy. It said SCREENING SAVES LIVES and had 5 gold stars next to the doctor's name. It even included a gift card offer if choosing the doctor.  We got a $1,700 bill instead -- compliments of the anesthesiologist and the GI practice. Her primary care doctor sent a referral, but the insurer said they didn't get it, so a collection agency would be sending correspondence and alerting credit agencies, which is nice. Imagine those without the wherewithal to pay that bill or navigate a solution. I can tell you it's not exactly a gift for us with four kids 18-23. Maybe I should call the Peaky Blinders... just to have them send a letter of course….perhaps something like my Aunt Nancy used to tell us when it was time to go after a bad experience -- "TAKE A GOOD LOOK AROUND KIDS...WE WON'T BE BACK." How’s that for instructions?